'It's a good thing you gave birth to a boy'

These words were said to me six years ago when I became a mother. One of the elderly guests who traditionally came to see the baby and wished health to the mother and the whole family whispered these words into my ear. I was surprised. I suddenly raised my eyes with a curious look and asked, "Why are you saying this?" Fearing that the other guests nearby might hear, she whispered into my ear, "In time, you will understand why I said these words." She continued, "If you continue to live in this country, you will see that I am right!"

All this time, I don't deny it, the guest's words have come to my mind many times, and I confess that I think about those words every now and then. After watching or seeing terrible news on television that I do not want to see (incidents of violence against women, animals, and children, etc.), I ask myself even more questions. What is happening to/in Turkish society? What happened to people? What kind of generation is being raised? Are we living in/will we live in days when we are afraid to go out on the street?

In today's article, I will not touch upon the political dimension of the issue of women's and children's rights in Turkey. I will try to analyze the events from the perspective of a foreigner who has lived in Turkey for many years. What have I noticed in Turkish society, and what has seemed abnormal to me?

I have no intention of upsetting anyone with this article. As I learn something new about Turkey and its people every day, I think I have the right to talk about these issues.

A high level of aggression and violence is clearly experienced in society. It is possible to see the clearest examples of aggressive behavior and outbursts of anger among drivers who mostly do not follow traffic rules. According to the behavior of some drivers, it is as if (those drivers) are the owners of the road. I cannot forget what I saw during my student years in Istanbul. After honking the horn, the driver of the bus I was on suddenly stopped the bus and opened the door. He took a knife similar to the one used by butchers. He got out to "solve the traffic problem together" with the driver of the vehicle in front. That day, I experienced my first traffic shock. I can say that I was introduced to the reality of Istanbul traffic laws.

It is clear that with the increase in the number of motorcycles, there has also been an increase in the number of traffic fights and accidents. Motorcycle riders appear in front of you in places you least expect, which leads to accidents and fights.

One of the funniest examples of aggression is the involuntary shoulder bumping while walking on crowded streets and avenues. People are immediately ready to get angry and fight. Sometimes the silence on a street can be broken by screams, shouts, or cries. Citizens rushing to their balconies think that a large group is going to fight. However, all they see is just one man talking on the phone while simultaneously screaming and shaking the ground.

These are simple examples where the actors involved in the incident did not consume alcohol. Alcohol makes things even more complicated. Meaningless, groundless arguments, fights, and displays of violence multiply with alcohol.

I have often wondered what the reasons for this high dose of aggression in society might be. Even though we witness such scenes in public spaces, what do people experience in their homes (behind 4 walls)? We can see cases of physical assault or murder in the news, but we can understand that there are many cases that do not leave the front door of the house.

I would also like to point out how our country is perceived in countries that were once Ottoman lands and in most parts of Europe. While writing my book "A Foreigner in the Land of the Crescent", which contains 18 real-life stories of women who came from the Republic of Moldova to Turkey and live in this country, I concluded from what I learned from the women I interviewed: Turks did not have a good image in Southeast European countries, and they still don't. Even if the people I interviewed do not, their families, friends, or acquaintances still think that Turks are 'barbaric', 'terrorist', 'aggressive', etc. That is why many of them had to hide from their families even the fact that they would marry Turkish citizens or just go to Turkey. We have to accept that there are many historical, religious, psychological, and identity factors behind these prejudices and archetypal stereotypes. However, it has become essential to fight against these prejudices (stereotypes). The problem is how to do it?

While writing about aggression and trying to find an explanation for what is happening in Turkish society, I remembered the book "Bloodlines: From Ethnic Pride to Ethnic Terrorism" written by the world-renowned psychiatrist Vamık Volkan. I am not entering into discussions held in the public sphere with titles such as the Kurdish issue, terrorism, separatism, PKK, peace, the resolution process, etc. I will talk about the importance of violence and aggression in the family and child-rearing rather than their social dimensions.

For those who do not know, Vamık Volkan is an international relations psychiatrist who researches ethnic violence by examining history and diplomacy from a psychological perspective. In this book, the author describes the childhood of PKK leader Abdullah Öcalan. When he came home with his head covered in blood after playing with the village children, he would come home crying, hoping to be mourned and embraced by his mother. But his mother would tell him to go and take revenge. Otherwise, she would not accept him into the house. In his memoirs, Öcalan describes how he started bullying and how he broke the heads of other children. Abdullah Öcalan, raised by a harsh and oppressive mother, resorted to violence to win her love and appreciation. Both parents encouraged him to be aggressive because otherwise, he would be the one being attacked. His aggressive behavior earned him the reputation of the "snake killer" in the village. The villagers would call Abdullah to kill snakes, and he would kill the snakes with stones, using the same method as with the children. We all know who Abdullah Öcalan is when he grew up. If a mother and a father had shown a little more love and compassion when raising a child, how many generations would have been happy? Have you ever thought about it?

You will ask why I started this article with the example of a boy. Because I think that in a society where people do not know how to control their emotions, and worse, do not know the names of the emotions they are feeling, it does not matter what you give birth to. In a society where aggression is not punished by law, both girls and boys are at risk. Everything starts in the family. It is not just your mother, but also your father who raises you with care, attention, and love. Everything starts with preventing discrimination between girls and boys in the family. Everything starts with the unconditional love shown by parents, but... Attention! And love must be given in a measured way, otherwise, a generation of super-selfish people who have unhealthy self-confidence and believe that they know everything and are capable of everything can grow up. This can be truly dangerous!

Let's go home and show respect to our children, let's love them. Because the only thing that will save the world and lives is LOVE. It is compassion!