Small joys caught in the trap of perfectionism...

What do you think is the greatest success in life? Earning a lot of money? Attending good schools? Owning property? Having a career? Or is it simply living according to your own choices? Although it may seem very simple, constructing a life plan according to our own choices is perhaps the most difficult task in life. Family pressure, social circle pressure, and the moral pressures we apply to ourselves make this almost impossible.

In recent days, the dialogues a famous woman had with her daughter on social media have become quite a subject of debate. It is very difficult to pass judgment on the case without knowing the parties' views on the matter exactly, without living within the family, or witnessing it closely. That is not my intention anyway. However, after being exposed to the mother-daughter WhatsApp correspondence, I wanted to summarize—based on scientific research—what kind of pressure the perfect life plan that parents try to impose on their children turns into, starting from childhood, through adolescence, and into youth, and the many regrets that follow. In other words, it is time to turn the mirror on ourselves.

Parents usually want their children to be perfect. The ideal child/young person will be successful in at least one sport, know two foreign languages, play at least one musical instrument successfully, get into the best high schools, study at the best universities, and if possible, become a doctor or an engineer, while also maintaining a perfect physique and being a flawless person who never fails to show love and respect to everyone.

So why all these expectations?

Perhaps it is about trying out the ideals we could not achieve in our own lives on our children, or perhaps it is about applying our own perfectionism—which already makes life miserable for us—onto our children as if our own suffering were not enough. Of course, let us not forget the phrase frequently used by parents: "If I had had these opportunities, I would have done much more." It is unknown whether a good education and earnings are directly proportional. See John Burn-Murdoch, the data-driven columnist for the Financial Times, who emphasizes that the millennial generation is the most educated generation in history, but this success has not translated into economic success. For example, in the United Kingdom, homeownership among millennials appears to be 23% lower than what baby boomers had at the same age. Good grief!

Social psychologist Prof. Dr. Thomas Curran, who conducts in-depth research in the field of perfectionism, describes the obsession with perfectionism that he once fell into himself as a "silent epidemic." Dr. Curran classifies perfectionism, which he evaluates in three dimensions, as perfectionism expected by individuals from themselves, perfectionism expected by individuals from others, and perfectionism expected by society from the individual. It should not be forgotten that women are more prone to this "epidemic" than men.

The results of research conducted by Dr. Curran and Dr. Hill in the UK, the US, and Canada reveal that perfectionist tendencies among university students increased between 1989 and 2016.

According to Rasmussen, a child development expert at West Virginia University, two out of every five children and young people are perfectionists. According to Rasmussen, this has begun to become a public health issue. According to research, the pressure that perfectionism places on a person leads to harmful consequences such as depression, anxiety, self-harm, eating disorders, and even suicide.

Quaroni, in an article written on the subject in EurscMag, shared a striking piece of data. According to this data, "Research conducted in 2013 shows that 68% of all adolescent suicides are related to the disappointment and self-doubt created by the inability to reach certain ideals."

Are you still determined to be a perfectionist? Then let us continue a little further.

Dr. Curran's research shows that when people experience a possible failure—especially in the presence of other people—they perceive it as a flawed performance stemming from a deficient self, and feel deep guilt and shame. If you think that the feeling of guilt created by perfectionism is only local or within your immediate circle, you are mistaken. According to the neo-liberal economic order, since success bars are now set for young people on a global scale, the scale of the success they are expected to achieve often reaches universal dimensions.

The existence of social media is another factor that increases this competition. Technology, which fits the world into a mobile phone, also allows us to internalize unrealistic and even utopian values. Flawless bodies, perfect lives, luxury living... Whatever is difficult or impossible to reach is shoved in our faces. We have started to look for ordinary people's ordinary lives with a candle.

If you ask how normalization happens, the answer starts within the person themselves. Dr. Curran sees trends like the "great resignation" or "quiet quitting" that emerged after COVID-19 as a healthy situation and a glimmer of hope for new generations.

Let us conclude the article with the question from Josh Cohen's piece in The Economist, which bears the same title as Dr. Curran's book, "The Perfectionism Trap";

"Society bombards us with instructions to be happier, fitter, and wealthier. Why are we not so satisfied with being ordinary?".

Indeed, why are we not satisfied with being ordinary?

Sources:

https://www.apa.org/pubs/journals/releases/bul-bul0000138.pdf

https://www.lse.ac.uk/research/research-for-the-world/health/over-stressed-and-under-pressure-the-problem-with-being-perfect

https://amp.theguardian.com/society/2023/jun/04/the-rise-of-perfectionism-and-the-harm-its-doing-us-all

https://www.economist.com/1843/2021/08/10/the-perfectionism-trap

http://eurscmag.eu/?p=1741